Forever is only in the moment. You can’t predict who will be a constant in your life or who will be a phase. The sad part is, you never really know until the phase is over, or your life is. When someone has deemed you temporary and ripped any form of permanence and security from your being, what’s left seems to be a blackhole of cycling memories of broken love and self doubt. What did I do wrong? Why wasn’t I enough? Why doesn’t he love me anymore? Why did he stop caring? Did he ever care? You are submerged in a sea of doubt. You feel like a fool for loving a lie. But you know it was real. It was so real. He knew it too, at that moment. That fleeting moment. You obsess over whether he misses you, thinks about you… you dread to imagine your name has become a synonym for regret in his mind.
amigos para siempre
You have this unreasonable hope that maybe he’ll be waiting for you at your door… take everything back and will do anything to fix the heart he broke. The weight on your heart and the pressure on your mind makes you feel like you’re sinking into that blackhole. The person who was meant to be your anchor, keep you grounded, has started to drown you with silence. He may imply that you weren’t as important as he claimed. He could say his actions were driven by guilt. Or to add a new insecurity to your artillery, he daresay he never really loved you. The words are on repeat in your head, they drill a hole in your mind and penetrate your very core. How could someone taint everything with a blanket of doubt? Devalue every pure moment of bliss. The nights he would sing you to sleep. The mindless drives between skyscrapers. The way he fed you cookies, or held you when you had bad dreams. The way he smelt your wet hair after you showered… That person is a stranger to you now, he has become something unrecognizable. It kills you to know the ‘real him’ doesn’t give a shit about you. The part of his heart that was reserved for you… erased. He seems to have forgotten everything you shared together. You feel like you aren’t worth it.
You gave him all of you… and for him to dispose of you so easily… it devalues every fiber of your being. You pray that one day, when there aren’t any distractions, maybe when he dates another girl, at a point of sheer desperation, or even if he’s alone in his bed… there will be a moment of clarity. The moment when he realizes that all he had to do was care. When he understands the power in his words that once made you swoon… slashed your heart. He broke down the person that could give him pure, selfless love, someone who would support him unconditionally. It was his choice. That’s the moment you win that part of yourself back…when he realizes your worth and the ways in which he wrongfully hurt you.
The beautiful part is that by the time this happens, you have already rebuilt the fragments of your heart that he single handedly sliced into chopped liver. Whether or not that day ever comes, learn to appreciate the joy you felt, regardless of how he treated you after. Find comfort in knowing that you have loved… he’s the one who’s lost. We have been created to naturally think that our wants and desires are more important than others’. At the same time, we feel the need to love and nurture. How can we be both? As humans we need constant stimulation. We get bored of people/places/lifestyles and need change. Yet…we want stability and comfort. These contradictions are written into us. How are we supposed to strike a balance between selfishness and selflessness? Stimulation or stability? This is what’s at play here. The constant struggle between contrasting feelings that are hardwired into us. Learn to find the balance that’s best for you before you tip someone else’s scale. Better yet, be willing to shift the weight and readjust as you go along. Stop falling in love with potential or the hope that he will be better. There are people who are fully equipped to love you completely, without doubt. You’ll look back on this time and smile at the thought that you were so consumed by childish heartbreak. Until that day,
forgive, live, love.