'~.Balance.~'

Overcast

Sun, 03 Jul 2011 23:31:00 -0400

Forever is only in the moment. You can’t predict who will be a constant in your life or who will be a phase. The sad part is, you never really know until the phase is over, or your life is. When someone has deemed you temporary and ripped any form of permanence and security from your being, what’s left seems to be a blackhole of cycling memories of broken love and self doubt. What did I do wrong? Why wasn’t I enough? Why doesn’t he love me anymore? Why did he stop caring? Did he ever care? You are submerged in a sea of doubt. You feel like a fool for loving a lie. But you know it was real. It was so real. He knew it too, at that moment. That fleeting moment. You obsess over whether he misses you, thinks about you… you dread to imagine your name has become a synonym for regret in his mind.

~~amigos para siempre~~

You have this unreasonable hope that maybe he’ll be waiting for you at your door… take everything back and will do anything to fix the heart he broke. The weight on your heart and the pressure on your mind makes you feel like you’re sinking into that blackhole. The person who was meant to be your anchor, keep you grounded, has started to drown you with silence. He may imply that you weren’t as important as he claimed. He could say his actions were driven by guilt. Or to add a new insecurity to your artillery, he daresay he never really loved you. The words are on repeat in your head, they drill a hole in your mind and penetrate your very core. How could someone taint everything with a blanket of doubt? Devalue every pure moment of bliss. The nights he would sing you to sleep. The mindless drives between skyscrapers. The way he fed you cookies, or held you when you had bad dreams. The way he smelt your wet hair after you showered… That person is a stranger to you now, he has become something unrecognizable. It kills you to know the ‘real him’ doesn’t give a shit about you. The part of his heart that was reserved for you… erased. He seems to have forgotten everything you shared together. You feel like you aren’t worth it.

You’re nothing.

You gave him all of you… and for him to dispose of you so easily… it devalues every fiber of your being. You pray that one day, when there aren’t any distractions, maybe when he dates another girl, at a point of sheer desperation, or even if he’s alone in his bed… there will be a moment of clarity. The moment when he realizes that all he had to do was care. When he understands the power in his words that once made you swoon… slashed your heart. He broke down the person that could give him pure, selfless love, someone who would support him unconditionally. It was his choice. That’s the moment you win that part of yourself back…when he realizes your worth and the ways in which he wrongfully hurt you.

Someday Syndrome

The beautiful part is that by the time this happens, you have already rebuilt the fragments of your heart that he single handedly sliced into chopped liver. Whether or not that day ever comes, learn to appreciate the joy you felt, regardless of how he treated you after. Find comfort in knowing that you have loved… he’s the one who’s lost. We have been created to naturally think that our wants and desires are more important than others’. At the same time, we feel the need to love and nurture. How can we be both? As humans we need constant stimulation. We get bored of people/places/lifestyles and need change. Yet…we want stability and comfort. These contradictions are written into us. How are we supposed to strike a balance between selfishness and selflessness? Stimulation or stability? This is what’s at play here. The constant struggle between contrasting feelings that are hardwired into us. Learn to find the balance that’s best for you before you tip someone else’s scale. Better yet, be willing to shift the weight and readjust as you go along. Stop falling in love with potential or the hope that he will be better. There are people who are fully equipped to love you completely, without doubt. You’ll look back on this time and smile at the thought that you were so consumed by childish heartbreak. Until that day,

forgive, live, love.

City Originally sung by Sara Barielles

Sun, 03 Jul 2011 15:10:51 -0400

City

Originally sung by Sara Barielles

"it was in love I was created and in love is how I hope I die"

Sun, 26 Jun 2011 19:14:17 -0400

““it was in love I was created and in love is how I hope I die””

- Paolo Nutini

Emotion and Logic The extremes god (?) gave my parents and the...

Sat, 28 May 2011 17:14:00 -0400

extremes

core

Emotion and Logic

The extremes god (?) gave my parents and the balance I’ve been blessed with. I feel as though my parents speak different languages. Mommy has this fiery passion and magnetic energy while Thaththi has a more calculated, warm approach with undying patience. How do they work? They argue all the time over what seems to be insignificant miscommunications. I have seen how my mother will make a dramatic escape, drive away, and not return for hours while my father stays at home, a silent sufferer. I have noticed that it’s easier for people to sympathize for my father, simply because he is soft spoken and less expressive. Just because my mother is more vocal about her pain, it doesn’t make it less real or less substantial. Pain is pain. We should recognize it regardless of what form it chooses. Whoops. Tangent.

love is written into the world

Sometimes I feel like I am a personal translator when I’m at home. I really wonder how they manage to get one thought across to each other. Mommy has an abstract mind, she views the world through rare eyes. She sees shapes and colours with so much clarity and feeling, a natural artist almost to a synesthetic degree. Thaththi is a numbers guy. He finds beauty in symmetry and neutral tones and has a mind of 5 men combined. I know what you’re thinking. I’m probably exaggerating because they are my parents and naturally I think the world of them and want to believe all of these amazing things about them bla bla bla. Hello, I’m not 5. They really are extraordinary people and I took them for granted for the majority of my pubescent/teenage life. Just trust me when I say this, because when you meet them, you’ll understand.

So I ask again. How do they work? For years I wondered why they were together. It didn’t make sense. On the surface they were completely different… but it took me a while to understand it. They possess the same core. Their exteriors are polar opposites, but their hearts and souls beat with the same rhythm of love. They see straight through to one anothers’ pure hearts and sincere motives. They both work hard and give back to the world. Mommy organizes programs and Thaththi funds them. They are a team, twin souls with the aim of spreading love and kindness. They have a profound love and secret admiration for each other. My father feeds off of my mother’s fierce passion and determination while mommy quietly is thankful for Thaththi’s diplomatic ways.

Anyways, I guess my overall point is (cringe) love conquers all. The world would spin with more ease if we were driven by the kindness within our hearts. People are discouraged by conflicting futures, differences in opinion or long distance. Don’t fight the love, fight the distance. A relationship doesn’t feel like work if you are governed by love. It is worth the effort if you are willing to invest. Now, there is a difference between giving yourself and giving up yourself. I will have to write about that in another blog… All I’m saying is,

give in to love and let love give to you.

Today is a Kyle day. Sometimes it’s simply due to a lasting...

Fri, 24 Dec 2010 01:16:00 -0500

Today is a Kyle day.

Sometimes it’s simply due to a lasting thought from the dream in which he visited me. Other times it’s a weight on my heart that can suddenly form a wave over my mind and body. You think about them more during special times. The holidays, your birthday, his birthday, during the summer…when he was supposed to visit you. You can be sad about something completely unrelated… but it always comes back to being about him. He is always the reason for my tears…and he would hate that. He enters my thoughts every few minutes, and when he doesn’t, I miss him. My memories with him are limited. I think this is what saddens me. The blissful times he brought to my life won’t ever happen again. The memories play like reruns in my head, but I never grow bored of them. I find myself mouthing his words or smiling with the same joy he gave me the first time around. It is probably greedy of me to ask for more. I am blessed to have been so close to someone who truly was an angel. He was a man of few words and managed to teach me so much.

“Life is for Living”

The love we had for one another was so pure. We were like two children without a care in the world, running around with water-guns the day before our IB Economics exam. With him, I was fearless. I knew no harm would come to me in his presence. He was all the protection I would ever need. So when he was taken, my armor was stripped from me. Every day I asked him how I was meant to go on without him. It has been almost 10 months now… and he is still teaching me. Even in his absence, he has guided me to build my own shield; but I know he is my forever my guardian.

It was in the little things. Wearing my favourite t-shirt whenever he saw me. Letting me choose which movie to see in Staines; even though he knew it would be complete crap. Giving me the yummy part of the candy. Knowing to hold my hand during the scary parts…because I was too stubborn to admit I was frightened. Wearing a necklace, just because I gave it to him. Finding the beauty in the repulsive faces I would pull… which he would undoubtedly photograph for a good laugh later.

Then the bigger things. His body has endured my sweat, tears, spit and vomit. He made my impossible requests possible gifts. Driving me to the moon. Writing my name with seashells in the sand. His presence. He was the calm to my storm. A wave of relief over my overwhelming emotions. Never have I spent so many waking hours in complete silence with another person. Our language was in silence. We knew the pace of our breaths and the depths of our sighs. His patience. God. He didn’t love parts of me. He loved all of me, who I was coming to be. He praised me with quiet admiration but never forgot that I am human. He let me make my mistakes and simply waited for my return with those warm blue eyes and that charming smirk.

Nobody loved me the way he did. Whether I deserved that love… the forces of karma were probably generous on that front. He was too good for me and too much for this world. He brought me down to earth, and now he has left me here. But I am left here taking every step for him, for my Kai. <3 9 forever.

xKJMx

Something I stumbled upon from the old theatre days in Covent...

Mon, 11 Oct 2010 18:17:48 -0400

Something I stumbled upon from the old theatre days in Covent Garden.

Stop All the Clocks

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

—W.H. Auden

Energy. Fight. Beauty. Secrets fester. Anger sparks. Smiles...

Wed, 29 Sep 2010 04:17:00 -0400

Energy. Fight. Beauty.

Secrets fester. Anger sparks. Smiles are contagious. Love is infectious.

The internal struggle is fought bi one, on a battlefield barricaded by the endless mind.

The heart fights.

It beats fiercely with anguish, against pain.

Patience pushes the weight.

Heavy hurt, deep scars, succumb stunningly stained souls.

Strength.

The concept of fear.

Pass the past and present the present with the unfazed face.

Shine through the stained soul.

Blind them through colours of passion from within.

Pain.

Stain.

Ordain.

Your damage becomes their cure.

Walk weightlessly. Smile easily. Love effortlessly.

You must feel to heal.

Smiles are contagious.

Love is infectious.

XctwX

This photo always makes me smile. It was his favourite toy in...

Wed, 22 Sep 2010 10:04:22 -0400

This photo always makes me smile.

It was his favourite toy in my room, haha.

xxx

Playing with Sahan in Sri Lanka. He got a little too excited...

Wed, 22 Sep 2010 05:27:35 -0400

Playing with Sahan in Sri Lanka.

He got a little too excited and started pulling my hair. I realized the way I made him stop was quite childish, yet effective. Still, good times. Happy times. :)

xxx

Words Move

Tue, 21 Sep 2010 06:55:00 -0400

Language is power.

These are words that have moved me, shaped me, changed me. They are from various sources; books, movies, people… Maybe some will be familiar to you. Maybe you too will feel the power of language.

“For Mercy has a human heart; Pity, a human face.”

-song of innocence

“Cruelty has a human heart, and jealousy a human face”

-song of experience

“The moment of truth in your lies”

-song of loss

“Write my name with seashells in the sand”

-lost love

“You’re my favourite”

“You’re my only”

-first love

“I was the mortar, he was my pestle”

-sticks and stones may break my lovely bones

“If you want to be understood, listen”

-babel-ling will never hurt me

“If you’re this beautiful when you cry, I can’t imagine how you look when you smile”

-healing stranger

“Be the change you want to see in the world”

-strange healer

“Kissed away the battered petals to unearth Pandora’s passion, but bled the red to match its shade”

-composing composure

So. This is my first post on this blog thing. I have always been...

Thu, 16 Sep 2010 04:53:00 -0400

So. This is my first post on this blog thing. I have always been reluctant to start one of these because I can’t imagine anyone wanting insight into the pointless thoughts in my thoroughly contradictory, borderline mental, logically abstract, mind. I’ve decided to write this because it is my final year in university and I’m sure it would be interesting to document this progression. Also, grammar is not my friend. It doesn’t know me and I have no intention of learning about it. I don’t know the difference between a bloody semicolon and a comma. So consider this as my disclaimer.

I have returned to school after one of the most rejuvenating trips I have ever experienced. I used to walk through campus with angst and resentment. I won’t lie. The first few years at Uni were not the most enjoyable for me. However, there was a shift within me this summer. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it was, but I can tell you exactly when it happened. The picture I have posted was the moment I struck inner peace and balance within me. The weight of the helpless baby on my chest somehow alleviated the overbearing weight that was on my heart. I can’t explain how this innocent being managed to inspire me to put my theory and philosophy of living, into practice. I always told myself (and others) to walk off the pain, and let love sink in. But being the hypocrite that I am, I have failed at that remarkably over the years-whether the world was blind to it or not. But with this baby…I truly felt the purity of life and understood the insignificance of past suffering. Many of us hoard pain in boxes in the backs of our minds. I urge you to throw one box away. Don’t bother opening it, just let it go. This detox is so refreshing. Yes, we will all come across suffering over and over again in our lifetime. But it is how you tackle the distress that proves strength. My views on strength could be a completely different post, expect that soon. So I will leave you abruptly with my final thought:

Scars are left as a reminder of the pain, but it should not deface you. Live without fear, love like there is no history.